Announcing BigAir

By | Category: Travel rumblings

Nasa's super guppy

Can you believe the story in today’s Daily Mail about the Indian no-frills airline GoAir? To save fuel costs they are planning on only hiring females because they weigh less than men. Less weight means less fuel burned which means a saving to the airline. According to the newspaper, that means a saving of £330,000 per year.

I looked on the airline’s website to see if there was more information but I could find nothing. The story’s origin seems to lie with a story in the Times of India last week but again, there is nothing to add.

Now this announcement is wrong on two grounds; its sexist, fatist and hasn’t been thought through. OK that’s three.

So I propose a new airline called BigAir. Only people who are over 20 stone will be able to work in the planes. But I will be even-handed; men, women and robots can apply! See it’s technically advanced too, this idea of mine. But here’s the key and that is that anyone can fly on the airline. This is going to be a huge (sorry for the pun) success with the flying public and I forecast enormous (sorry, there’s another) profits in a short space of time. Why am I so confident?

Think about it for a moment.
With all these large crew members the plane aisles will have to be wider so they get through without getting stuck. That means those of us of a more normal size will have a chance of walking up and down with jostling any other passenger or hitting elbows. Because a row of seats is sometimes reserved for cabin crew they will need bigger seats in order to comfortably sit. So, all seats will have to be larger because you can’t discriminate between crew and passengers. Indeed there’s probably even a law against that somewhere. Wider seats mean fewer seats can be installed in each row which means fewer passengers can be carried. That means more room for passengers, faster boarding and faster disembarking. Which means fewer people to log-jam customs and immigration queues.

Toilet cubicles will have to be larger as the crew use passenger toilets not having ones of their own. You couldn’t have the crew getting stuck so all toilets will be 50% larger so you will have room to swing a cat always supposing you brought a cat on board.

Being larger means they will need bigger food portions to maintain their alertness. A peckish cabin crew member could lead to tiredness which means a lack of attention. That would be dangerous on a plane so, under health and safety rules, more frequent meals would be available especially on long-haul flights where little is served between an hour after take-off and an hour before landing.

Finally heavier crew often means a taller crew so ceiling levels will be raised so there is less likelihood of banging my bald head on racks, saving the crew unnecessary time in getting out first aid boxes to minister to bleeding and bruised bonces.
There doesn’t even need to be a new plane designed. There is one; nicknamed the super guppy which NASA used to move large cargoes. Seems ideal then.

So, at a stroke, I have created an airline that allows ordinary obese people, which most of use seem to be if you believe the media, to get a job; increased the comfort of passengers; speeded up airport queues, re-designed planes and helped NASA out by using their old plane. That’s not a bad hours’ work. I’m just working on one tiny problem. The cost of the tickets so I can make my millions!
My next task; world peace by teatime. Should be a doddle!

Image © AirWing

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