What April Fool jokes?

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Emirates SkyLounge as from 2020!

Just over a week ago was April Fool’s Day. Like you I looked for the fake news stories but I concentrated on those connected with the travel industry. Is it old age or did they seem to be fewer this year? Did they also seem to be a bit too obvious?

The Middle Eastern airline, Emirates announced a new on-board lounge that would debut in two years’ time.  It would have completely transparent lounge with aerial views across the skies. Imagine the old observation cars on American and Canadian railways and that is probably the source of their inspiration.

Finnair opted for a new Sofa Concept for economy class. The new cabin design would feature long sofa rows against the bulkhead so you would all be staring at other passengers. Like sitting in a waiting room really but how do you access the lunch tables? In their words, the design is “based on playfulness, relaxation and a sense of community.”

Swoop – a Canadian airline described as an ultra-low-cost carrier  and which is really WestJet in disguise – is to start charging for toilet usage. Readers who remember David O’Leary’s thoughts on introducing charges at Ryanair for spending a penny would probably have caught on to this one quite quickly. They went into some detail on how the toilet charge would operate.

“To enter the lavatory, you’ll need to tap your credit card and the meter will start running as soon as you lock the door. At $1 per minute, the quicker you do your business, the less you’ll pay. When it comes time for TP, just tap your credit card to Swoop’s patent-pending toilet paper dispenser at $0.25 per square. There will also be a selection of luxury products available for an additional fee, including Swooper-Ply toilet paper for the daintiest derrieres, scented soaps hand-crafted by hipsters, and Swoop Poop sprays to prevent embarrassing odours for $1 per spritz. Be warned, if you don’t wash your hands you’ll pay a hefty $25 penalty for being a germ-spreader.”

Down on the ground, or rather the River Thames, MBNA Thames Clippers – the river bus service – came up with “personal myClipper boats.” Using the idea of foldable bicycles, myClipper is a fold-up boat (ie an inflatable dingy) and powered by “using a personalised smartphone app connected by Bluetooth to the battery powered engine.” The boats can “fold perfectly into their own hand crafted rucksacks and can be inflated and deflated at the touch of a button.” In case the battery runs low whilst you are on the river “an intelligent GPS guidance system will guide the boat to the nearest commuter pier before power runs out.”

My final choice for the collection comes from one of those claims companies. First4Lawyers will offer a service to offer legal claims against zombie attacks. It claims that because of an increasing number of zombie attacks on our streets. (why not on planes or Thames clippers?) The company says, “First4Lawyers have responded by tackling the problem head-on and to make sure that victims get the compensation they deserve. First4Lawyers experts are finding that the majority of Zombies settle out of court, due to their unreliability as witnesses and poor time management skills. As a result, the odds are in your favour for a quick settlement, and First4Lawyers aim to help you as much as possible in your time of need.

There you are then. I think I still prefer the seven page feature about the island of San Serriffe, that ran in The Guardian in 1977!

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